Coming undone

I went online earlier to follow a link from a friend to a blog where I could read about frugality and some inventive meal planning ideas. Little did I know that 4 hours later, long after all the inhabitants of my house were long asleep, I would still be reading that blog... hungrily.

From there, I spent about 45 minutes reading about international adoption. My heart breaks for orphans. It always has... and for as long as I can remember, I have been "curious" about adoption. But, (as I say a lot... ) life happens at warp speed. One day you stumble upon a blog written by a family with unbelievable, unparalleled faith, and the stories of how the Lord has used them to literally save lives.... and how, in the process, they have been saved by those precious children... and you say... "wait. a. minute... I missed the boat."

I am not sleeping tonight because I cannot shake the feeling that I have missed something so important. A lesson, an experience, a blessing... an opportunity ... I am not sure what, but I missed it. We missed it.

I am not sleeping tonight because there are so many children in the world going to sleep without a Mama or a Daddy to pray with them, hug them, kiss them, or love on them. It breaks my heart. In the same vain... there are so many women and men going to bed tonight having never known the unconditional love of a little life they created (or fostered). These people have never known what it is like to sleep with their arm slung into a bassinet beside their bed, hand on their brand new baby... just to feel the soft rise and fall of her breathing. They have never smelled an infant's breath and known there was something supernatural in its scent.

But they want to... And it's not fair.
I stumbled a little off course from where I intended to go with this post... but, I get weepy when I think about this all and the tears made me lose my focus.. LOL

My Baby Belle turned 4 today. Her sister, Kitty, did her very best to make sure it would be a special day for her. I love them passionately. I cannot imagine a life without them.

But for the unfathomable Grace of God... I would be one of those lonely "would be" Mamas... I am blessed beyond measure.
But, while I was reading those blog entries, I was thinking about all the children who ultimately will never end up in a loving home with a Mama and Daddy and brothers and sisters. Those kids who are at some point deemed "un-wanted" and stuck in the foster care system at best... turned out on the streets at worst...
And for those children... I came undone tonight.

I will never fully understand the magnitude of God's unfailing love. I am so guilty of taking advantage of that.

Though Rob and I have both talked about adoption on and off in our married lives, it was never an idea we seriously considered.
I cannot speak for him.... but, even in the wake of our most recent decision that we were completely whole as a family... I am going to be in prayer about this topic. I don't know what it all means... I just know it broke my heart and a broken heart is a good place for God to begin to work.