one thousand and 1

I have come back here a thousand times since last September. I have started to write something then stopped and started again. Then, I stopped and I left...
I am back. One. more. time.

I have stuff going on, you know?

A lot of people have stuff. Stuff is totally normal. But if you tell people you have stuff going on, be prepared to hear about all their stuff. This is really a great place for a warning to you.... Everyone else's stuff... is fundamentally more important than your stuff.

If you say you have stuff, you inevitably will get into a stuff comparing match. You will always come up short when everyone takes out the yard sticks to measure the depth of the stuff.

Oh, the best (in my opinion) is when people follow up with you...
"Hey!! Remember when I told you the other day I had some stuff going on?? Well, you are never going to believe this... BUT, MORE STUFF HAPPENED! My situation is SO much worse than it was the other day, when it was still worse than yours!"

Why not start a blog and write about your stuff. Don't tell people about your stuff... it will be come a contest.

~ But, I digress ~

So, yeah. I am here, time # 1001.

And, I brought all my stuff. Put away your yard stick.

This should be interesting!!

Blah Blog

So, I may be bad at this public blog thing.
When one is writing for writing sake... privately, how often one checks in doesn't really matter.

It may not here either, though I do have a certain amount of guilt over looking at this blog day after day and not having much desire to write in it. That is not abnormal. I seem to have a certain amount of guilt about most things. Guilt is a wasted emotion. But I am good at it.

It is Labor Day today and I find it so ironic that most people have this day off from work. So, I am sitting here with about 4 projects surrounding me, ignoring them all with the internet. I have become very good at ignoring things with the internet.

I have a serious case of writer's block. That happens when I am tired, or busy, or uninspired... (I have just about covered most of my time there...) When this happens, I tend to ramble. I tend to have nothing of interest to say. I know what I need to do and yet I haven't gotten there. Seems like there has got to be a medication for that.

Let's not misunderstand here. I have a great life, a beautiful family, a good job... I am blessed. But, I know what is missing and I spend lots of time trying to get away from that. It would be so easy for me to just fix what is broken. But, I am not doing that. And for the life of me, I can't figure out why. I am so glad that our God is a patient, understanding Daddy... because I am feeling a little like the prodigal son (er.. um... daughter?) lately.

Well, I need to work on these projects, I need to spend some time with God, and I need to get organized, because tomorrow we are right back to work.

Your prayers are always appreciated <3

Back in the swing of things...

It's been a long past few weeks...
School has started up once again and left me with precious little free time. I lack the motivation to do anything in those few rare moments a day :(

Today was day three with students and I find myself missing something... I felt during pre-planning that there was a certain heaviness hanging over our campus. I can't explain it or describe it well, it was just something I felt. Well, that heaviness has continued on into the school year. It has only been a few days. yet I definitely miss last year's vibe.
So far, my classes are quiet and respectful, but it's hard to know if "anyone is home" or they are staring with apathy and indifference as I go on and on about the finer points of whatever we're discussing that day. I am just not sure how all this will turn out. I wish with all my heart that I could be a "home maker" or stay at home mom like so many of my friends. I struggle with this a lot especially after a nice long summer vacation.

Life is what it is though and I am content to have the next best arrangement.

I prayed a lot this summer for God to move in my life and change some things about me. Change is difficult.
God's best work is done in difficult places. I am a little concerned that *this* will be one of those years...

Coming undone

I went online earlier to follow a link from a friend to a blog where I could read about frugality and some inventive meal planning ideas. Little did I know that 4 hours later, long after all the inhabitants of my house were long asleep, I would still be reading that blog... hungrily.

From there, I spent about 45 minutes reading about international adoption. My heart breaks for orphans. It always has... and for as long as I can remember, I have been "curious" about adoption. But, (as I say a lot... ) life happens at warp speed. One day you stumble upon a blog written by a family with unbelievable, unparalleled faith, and the stories of how the Lord has used them to literally save lives.... and how, in the process, they have been saved by those precious children... and you say... "wait. a. minute... I missed the boat."

I am not sleeping tonight because I cannot shake the feeling that I have missed something so important. A lesson, an experience, a blessing... an opportunity ... I am not sure what, but I missed it. We missed it.

I am not sleeping tonight because there are so many children in the world going to sleep without a Mama or a Daddy to pray with them, hug them, kiss them, or love on them. It breaks my heart. In the same vain... there are so many women and men going to bed tonight having never known the unconditional love of a little life they created (or fostered). These people have never known what it is like to sleep with their arm slung into a bassinet beside their bed, hand on their brand new baby... just to feel the soft rise and fall of her breathing. They have never smelled an infant's breath and known there was something supernatural in its scent.

But they want to... And it's not fair.
I stumbled a little off course from where I intended to go with this post... but, I get weepy when I think about this all and the tears made me lose my focus.. LOL

My Baby Belle turned 4 today. Her sister, Kitty, did her very best to make sure it would be a special day for her. I love them passionately. I cannot imagine a life without them.

But for the unfathomable Grace of God... I would be one of those lonely "would be" Mamas... I am blessed beyond measure.
But, while I was reading those blog entries, I was thinking about all the children who ultimately will never end up in a loving home with a Mama and Daddy and brothers and sisters. Those kids who are at some point deemed "un-wanted" and stuck in the foster care system at best... turned out on the streets at worst...
And for those children... I came undone tonight.

I will never fully understand the magnitude of God's unfailing love. I am so guilty of taking advantage of that.

Though Rob and I have both talked about adoption on and off in our married lives, it was never an idea we seriously considered.
I cannot speak for him.... but, even in the wake of our most recent decision that we were completely whole as a family... I am going to be in prayer about this topic. I don't know what it all means... I just know it broke my heart and a broken heart is a good place for God to begin to work.

Feeling Artsy

Yup. We were... So we backed up and headed to the Clay House to express ourselves... via interpretive ceramic design...
Yea. Baby Belle and Kitty walked in the place not quite knowing what to think. But, it didn't take them long to pic the things they wanted to create. The hardest decision by far was deciding which colors to use....






The finished products should be back in a week or so. The girls can hardly wait!!!

Quietly sleeping...

That is what my husband is doing beside me as I type this. We have made it past the normal cacophony produced when he first falls asleep. The tossing and turning, trying to get comfortable, the funny sounds that breathing makes as we go from waking to sleep... and now, he is now simply laying there, breathing softly.. and I can feel that breath on my arm.

I expect he will stir slightly any minute in the light of the computer screen, make a muffled 'hfumph" and turn over... but for now... he is still facing this way... after nearly 11 years, two babies, and a lot of dealing with the "cacophony" of life... And I am blessed.

I am thankful to God for the direction my life has taken. I certainly don't show this daily... I am sometimes discontent day to day. I wonder what might be different about my life it I had made different choices... And, I think this is a common thing to wonder. Nevertheless, I am blessed in so many ways. And I am thankful.

Can't hide forever... and other rambles

Thursdays are a lot like Fridays lately... just a little bit less cool.
Since I have been off for several weeks now, I don't always keep track of the days. Don't judge me.
Sadly though, these lazy days of summer are about to come grinding to a screeching halt as back to school (thus back to work) time is right around the corner...
It ALWAYS happens this way. I just get good at being a stay at home mom and suddenly, that little carpet is yanked out from under my feet. I just get used to late, insomnia fueled, internet and movie filled nights... and rolling out of bed at about 10 am... and BAM!
It's over, just like that. I had better stop. I am starting to bum myself out.

I searched for me my blog on Google tonight... I wanted to see how easy it would be to find.
I was pleasantly surprised to see that I wasn't all that easy to find.
Right now... there is probably no one reading my musings...

(**ooohhh!! Except maybe my friend Katie who was mildly amused when she found out I had a blog and very politely promised to "check it out" if I gave her the link. I have not done that YET, but I'm sure I will... at some point. )

...But, I had a facebook stalker for a while... She found a way around my security settings and was spending HOURS pouring over all of my family pictures and personal info... (Okay, I don't know if it was actually hours... but, when she emailed me to say some very un-pleasent things, she did know FAR TOO many details that I thought were kinda protected behind the ((admittedly superficial)) facebook privacy settings...

**My sweet husband has asked me not to go into the details of the whole FB stalking thing... nor post the woman's name as he fears re-percussions... so she shall remain nameless... for a while.

So, it occurred to me that MAYBE, POSSIBLY having a public bog might not be the best idea I have ever had. So, listen... if you are reading this... just promise me now that this stuff just stays between you and me.. kay? :)

We are still pee-deep in night time potty training... (get it?? Pee Deep? uh huh. This is Me.... with Insomnia :) ) Baby Belle has had a few accidents, though I am finding that she has had those accidents on nights when her fluid intake not been cut off or dramatically reduced early enough in the evening. I will be so stinking glad when she makes it all night long with out my having to get up, shuffle across the house and walk her to the potty.

AKA.... months from now, I think. Boo. I am over it.

Waking up early in the morn to run errands and take the girls to have their hair trimmed. They both have beautiful long blond hair and I am against a big cut, though they have both asked for a little length removed I have mulled this over for quite a while and I am still on the fence. Shorter hair would make mornings soooo much easier... but I would miss their hair... UGH.

I have a good friend who will be coming with us as she intends have her daughter's hair cut too... She is trying to convince me that short hair would be "just adorable"... She will not be cutting her daughter's hair short... LOL

She's not too convincing.

I will let you know how this whole hair saga turns out...

Oh and, don't forget what I said about keeping all this good info between us <3

I knew I could count on you!!